


my fault

by fricklefracklefloof



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Be More Chill - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, No Smut, Self-Hatred, bmc, boyf riends - Freeform, i can't title things sorry, super mega anxiety oof, uhhh h h
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fricklefracklefloof/pseuds/fricklefracklefloof
Summary: (takes place after the events of the squip)christine doesn't feel like her relationship with jeremy is right for her anymore. she breaks up with him. jeremy blames himself, thinking that he forced her into a relationship she didn't want to be in.michael's too gay for this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> uh so this is my first fic on ao3 i hope you like it??? aaaa aa aa  
> i tend to write pretty short chapters sorry oof

_No._

_No no no no no._

This couldn't be happening.

Jeremy took a shaky breath.

_We.... we can't break up. Christine and I... we were meant to be with each other, right? I thought she liked me. I thought the squip helped her realize that._

_The squip..._

He shuddered.

_This is all my fault. The squip messed with her. I forced her to be in a relationship with me._

"I'm so-"

Christine seemed as close to tears as Jeremy was.  _I'm making her cry. I'm the worst._

"Just- just know it's not your fault, okay?" she said, looking at him sympathetically. "I wasn't ready."

_No, it is my fault. I should have known you weren't ready. I shouldn't have asked you out so soon. No, I shouldn't have asked you out at all. I should have known that you didn't like me the same way I did. I can't change that. You just pitied me, because I had gone through so much._

"O-okay," he stammered.

She smiled, breathing a small sigh of relief. "Thanks, Jeremy."

He stared at her dumbly. "For what?"

"For understanding."

Jeremy pulled out his phone, pretending to check the time. "Oh god, I uh... I have to go. Sorry. Bye." He danced on his feet impatiently, waiting for Christine to whisper a small "Bye, Jeremy," before sprinting in the other direction, finally letting tears stream freely down his face.

_I'm such a horrible person for doing this to her._

He didn't even know where he was running. He just wanted to get away with Christine. Jeremy couldn't bring himself to look at her.

Instinctively, he began to take the normal route back home, carelessly running through yards, jumping over bushes, and evading cars, his shoes scrabbling against concrete. He fell several times, but he continued, ignoring the countless scrapes and bruises that were beginning to form along his legs.

At last he reached his house, hastily stumbling to his room before collapsing, exhausted, on his bed, sobbing into his pillow like the idiot he was. Christine didn't deserve him. He was a lame, horrible person that paid outrageous amounts of money for a pill that would manipulate his classmates. He hurt so many people.

The events that had traumatized him for weeks were in the distant past, but they still seemed to haunt him to this day. Sometimes he'd wake up in the morning with a splitting headache, prompting flashbacks to moments he'd rather forget. Voices would occasionally whisper strange commands in his head about anything from ditching Michael to kissing Christine, distracting him from everyday life. Even a simple bottle of Mountain Dew would make him feel nauseous, and sometimes he'd feel this urge to grab it and drink some, promising a better life, a better Jeremy.

He thought it was over. He thought nobody was hurting anymore, for the most part.

But it seemed like he was wrong.

Christine really was a good actor. He had no idea how forced this relationship really was.

_How long has she felt this way?_

He continued to wallow in this anxious pit of self-hatred before finally succumbing to his exhaustion.

His phone was buzzing incessantly when Jeremy finally woke up. He had no idea how long he had slept. Jeremy rubbed his eyes, wiping away dried tears before checking his phone to see who had texted him. 

Michael. He hadn't talked to him all afternoon.

And he didn't take the bus home. He and Jeremy were practically neighbors, so they would usually sit together and talk until they got off at the same stop.

_Shit._

He really didn't want to talk. His stomach hurt, he needed a shower, and he was finally feeling all the scrapes and bruises he had acquired on his "journey" home.

Michael needed to hear from him though. He didn't want him to think he was ignoring him anymore. Didn't need to hurt anyone else.

Jeremy picked up the phone.

"Hey Jeremy, dude, where'd you go? I didn't see you on the bus..."

He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to find something to say.

"What's wrong? Jeremy? Are you okay?"

_No._

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just, uh..."

"It's just what?"

"Uh..." He trembled. Oh god, the tears were starting to come again. Jeremy's heart began to race self-consciously. He couldn't even say it. Pathetic. Michael would think he was such a wimp. And a horrible boyfriend. God, Christine really didn't deserve him.

"It's okay, take your time, dude."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longer chapter than the crappy last one oof sorry i'm still used to wattpad lmao

Michael had no idea how to feel about this situation.

He knew he always said joking shit like "I'm too gay for this," but this time? This time he really was too gay for this.

He'd called Jeremy after having to sit alone on the bus. Humiliating for a nerd like him. Michael just really didn't like being alone for some reason, and after the events with the squip and all, it had seemed like his fear had gotten worse.

He was aware of how clingy he was. Shut the fuck up. He didn't care.

Jeremy was obviously in pain, and once he heard his strangled voice whisper the news about Christine breaking up with him, Michael immediately told him he'd be at his house in ten minutes, and then hung up.

Which was a stupid thing to say. Michael did not have any idea what he was supposed to do about this.

Probably the worst thing was how he  _felt_ about this situation.

Michael wanted to feel more sympathy for Jeremy, he really did. It really ate him up inside thinking about how cruel his feelings were. But after pining after his best friend for two years and having his soul practically crushed when he found out the love of his life was obviously straight and crushing for a _girl,_ he couldn't help but feel this bright spark of joy in his heart when Christine had broken up with him.

He was a terrible friend.

Guilt began to pool in his stomach, but he couldn't think about his dumb, complicated feelings right now. What mattered was making Jeremy feel better.

"Uh..."

He paced around his room absentmindedly.  _Think, dumbass. He'll probably want to do something to take his mind off this, right? You can't console him right now, you kinda suck at that. Bring junk food. Play video games with him. Pretend none of that ever happened._

Right. Okay.

He had like five minutes. Grabbing his backpack, he headed over to the kitchen and grabbed the usual shit - chips, candy, soda. Jeremy probably had other stuff at his house, but it didn't hurt to be prepared.

Would that be enough? Probably not. What did Michael do during heartbreak again?

His mind flashed back to a painful memory of him sitting in front of his computer, trying to research the squip while shoving ice cream in his mouth.

He'd gone through the family's whole supply of junk food in a little over a week, including a whole tub of ice cream he'd bought himself. Not one of his proudest moments.

He could probably bring ice cream. Michael lived very close to Jeremy, so it wouldn't melt as long as he stored it in Jeremy's freezer once he got there.

Was there still some left? Michael peeked into the freezer. Not much, but there was a thing of ube ice cream that his whole family loved. Michael's moms might be a little irritated to find it gone, but it wouldn't be too much of a big deal.

Jeremy had probably never tried that though. Ube was a unique flavor that was popular in the Philippines, and it made the ice cream a distinct shade of bright purple. Michael and his family loved it, but would Jeremy like it the same way?

It was worth a try. Why wouldn't he like the best flavor of ice cream in the world?

\---

Michael arrived at Jeremy's house on time, surprisingly, and entered Jeremy's room to find him, unsurprisingly, lying facedown on his bed.

"Hey," Michael said quietly, trying to sound optimistic. "I brought junk food. Wanna play, like, Mario Kart or something?"

Jeremy groaned. "Sure." He rolled over on his bed to make room for Michael to sit. His position looked uncomfortable.

"Are you just going to stay like that?" Michael asked, a bit of a laugh in his voice. He hoped he didn't sound too... disrespectful or anything. Did it hurt Jeremy to see him acting like the breakup didn't happen?

Well, he didn't want to talk to him about it anyway. Hopefully Jeremy felt the same.

Jeremy ignored his question. "I never deserved Christine," he mumbled.

Okay, guess not.

"Uh, well, I brought ice cream; do you want to eat it now or should i put it in the freezer and save it for later? It's gonna melt." Two could play at this game.

Jeremy turned to look up at him, his eyes wide. "Ice cream?"

Michael grinned. "Yeah, it's this really good Filipino kind. Wanna try it?" He dug the ice cream out of his backpack. Oh thank god, it didn't melt.

Jeremy stared at it. "What the hell? It's purple?"

 "Yes, it's ube flavor. Like a purple yam. Do you remember? I think my moms made some a couple times when you came over for dinner."

 Jeremy nodded. "Yeah, that stuff was pretty good."

"Okay, I'll scoop some for you."

Michael was positive Jeremy would like it. He gave his friend a generous helping of ice cream before giving himself a little bit. Placing the rest of the ice cream in Jeremy's freezer, he returned to his friend's room.

"Here you go." He smiled when Jeremy snatched the bowl from him.

 Jeremy must have been really hungry, because he finished his ice cream before Michael could barely get started on his. He laughed. "I'm assuming you liked it, then?"

"No, it was disgusting," Jeremy said sarcastically.

Michael was glad to see Jeremy acting a bit more like himself, though he could tell that his friend was still upset. "Do you just want my bowl?"

He nodded. "Sure."

Michael handed his ice cream to his friend.

"Thanks."

"Are you up for some Mario Kart now?"

Jeremy grinned. "Definitely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow that was fast  
> i hope i'm writing these characters correctly oof  
> sorry i write so much angst but it fuels me  
> also lowkey projecting myself on these characters already because ube ice cream is the fucking BEST


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hh i'm sorry i haven't updated in a few days,,, i know the chapters are short and i told myself i'd update more frequently because of that,, i got super mega anxiety over people possibly judging me about this fic for some reason so i couldn't bring myself to even visit this site oof but i'm okay now i guess  
> but wowie!! people looked at this fic! that's pretty cool i hope i'm writing it good

Was it just his imagination, or was Michael acting kinda weirdlately? How long had it been like this?

It wasn't like it bothered Jeremy all that much, but part of him had hoped that Michael would come over so that he could talk to someone about the whole breakup with Christine and all. Maybe talk him out of blaming himself for it. Michael was usually very caring and empathetic about upsetting things that happened to him - such as when his mother left, but today it was as if he would rather not talk about it at all. Part of him wanted to forget all about it too, but he'd have to face Christine at school later, and it'd be much easier if he had  _someone to talk to about it._ Someone to help guide him. Like a  _friend._

It was almost kind of annoying. Every time Jeremy would try to subtly mention Christine, Michael would awkwardly change the subject. He wasn't even the one who had the breakup! Did he not know how to talk to him about it or something?

He was also a lot more jumpy than usual, and kept inching away or reddening whenever he tried to get closer to him or even touch him. And he fucking  _sucked_ at Mario Kart today.

Finally, when Michael landed in seventh place for the third time in a row, Jeremy had to say something.

"Dude, are you okay?" 

Michael stiffened. "Yeah, man, I'm, uh. I'm fine," he sputtered.

"Are you going easy on me? You know I don't like that. Just because I uh- I, y'know, had a breakup and all doesn't mean you have to do that. It's no fun this way."

"Sorry, I'll... play better next time."

He did not play better next time.

"Come on, Michael! This is boring!" Jeremy groaned. "You can't just expect me to race against all the computers. They suck just as much as you do right now." Usually Jeremy and Michael would race against each other amongst several other computers set on the hardest mode, and they'd fight each other for first place, leaving all the others behind (there was an option to play without them, but there was something about winning against a bunch of computers that boosted your confidence immensely). The pair would rarely fall behind third place, but this time Michael seemed incredibly out of it right now.

"Sorry, I don't know if I really wanna play this right now," Michael mumbled.

Jeremy sighed. "Okay. What do you want to play, then?"

Michael thought for a moment. "I don't know."

Oh my god. "Maybe don't suggest playing another game if you don't have another option." Jeremy knew he was being a little harsh, but this was really pissing him off for some dumb reason.

"Uh, okay. How about Apocalypse of the Damned?"

Jeremy looked at him strangely. "You sure? If you're gonna suck at it, then I don't think it's a good idea. We still haven't passed level nine."

Michael looked down, and Jeremy immediately felt bad when he saw the wounded look on his face. "Seriously, are you okay? We don't have to play if you don't want to. I-I'm sorry for saying that." He wrapped his arm around his friend.

That was a bad idea. As soon as he'd realized they'd made contact, Michael jumped as if Jeremy's touch was scorching hot and scooted away from him. Was he blushing?

What the hell? Why was he acting this way? It was almost like he was... hiding something.

They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment.

Finally Michael moved back to his original spot and they wordlessly continued to play another, much more awkward game of Mario Kart. Jeremy desperately wanted to say something to break the awkward silence, but he couldn't think of anything.

He must have looked like a complete idiot, because inside he was screaming.  _Say something say something say something say something_ oh my god.

"D-do you have a crush on me?" he blurted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i listen to weeb music while writing this fic it fuels me


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jeremy just asked michael if he had a crush on him because i haven't updated in a while and you might've forgotten if you actually follow this fic closely lol i'm a mess

Michael just about wanted to throw up right then and there.

"I mean it's not because you're gay and you're my best friend and all that, I'm n-n-not, like, homophobic like that or anything, I wouldn't, like, assume anything like that, I'm just, I'm just, y'know, curious is all but you don't have to like tell me if you don't want to or anything I won't like be offended if you say you don't or anything I'm just wondering I don't want it to be awkward between us and I kind of deserve to know because I really  _want_ to know and is that nosy or..."

He couldn't hear a word his friend was saying over his rapidly beating heart, but he nodded unconsciously like he was listening as Michael struggled to breathe properly.

"And I won't, like, judge you if you say yes it's okay if you say yes really I won't stop being your friend or anything or think you're weird or think weird things when you're hugging me like you're enjoying it sexually or anything tHAT'S NOT WHAT I'M GOING TO THINK ABOUT AT ALL SO DON'T SUGGEST IT I'm just wondering! I'll still like you! I still want to be friends with you Michael I don't have anyone else and I love you and you're awesome and I really enjoy talking to you and..."

_What if he hates me when I tell him I have to be honest but what if he hates me maybe I can say I don't like him but what if he thinks I'm lying and then he'll get mad at me and it hurts so much to see him mad I hate that I hate that I hate that maybe I don't have to tell him anything but if I don't say anything that means yes and then he'll think about that all the time and it'll always be super awkward and I hate that I hate that I hate everything I hate myself I hate Jeremy for saying that I hate the world._

Michael was a shaking, sweaty mess but he could literally not control anything he was doing or thinking right now.  _You look like such an idiot right now. You need to calm down. Calm down. Calm down or he won't like you._

If he had looked up he would have seen that Jeremy hadn't even looked at him this whole time, still blubbering about random bullshit.

_Calm down. Calm down. How do I calm down?_

"God, I can't believe I said that. I'm such a homophobic asshole. I'm sorry, Michael. I'm sorry, Michael. I'm sorry I'm sorry you don't have to tell me if you don't want to it's okay really I was just scared and wanted to break the stupid silence I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorr-"

Memories from countless therapy sessions flooded back to him.

_Find a consistent sound. Focus on that sound._

"I'm sorry I'm sorry Michael I'm so stupid I'm sorry I did all that stupid shit to you and hurt you so much I'm such a fucking idiot I don't know how you could have forgiven me I'm-"

Oddly, this heart-breakingly anxious ramble was soothing to Michael, because Jeremy just  _wouldn't stop talking._

He stared at his hands, finally catching his breath. They stopped shaking violently. Sort of. They were still trembling slightly.

Jeremy finally stopped talking, and looked at him.

_I have to tell him. It would be shitty not to._

"I, uh. Uhm, yeah, I do, Jeremy. S-sorry."

They both tried not to look at each other.

"How, uh... how long? Have you had a crush on me, I mean. Y-you don't have to answer if you don't want to," Jeremy mumbled.

"God, I don't know, two years? I don't like having it, Jeremy. I-it scares me. I feel like it'll ruin our relationship. Especially, like, today, I just felt so horrible for liking you. I don't know why. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Michael was spitting out random words just like his friend was.

Jeremy looked hurt. "Why?"

"I don't know."

_Yes you do._

"I don't know I don't know."

Jeremy was looking at him strangely. "You... do, don't you? Michael, why won't you tell me?"

"I don't want to! I'm sorry, Jeremy! I'm so sorry for being such a piece of shit towards you!" God, why was he shouting?

They didn't say anything for a long time.

When someone finally did say something, it was Jeremy, his voice horrifyingly serious.

"You... were happy when I broke up with Christine, weren't you. You were jealous, and now- now you have what you've always wanted."

Oh god.

Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It didn't seem so terrible at first - he was a bad friend, he knew - but even deeper down inside he felt like Jeremy deserved it. Like he  _deserved_ this after what he had done to him.

But now? Hearing Jeremy say it aloud? It made him want to run away and never look at anyone ever again. Nobody deserved to look at Michael after what he had thought about Jeremy. He was the worst person ever to grace this earth.

Maybe he could apologize, admit his mistake. Maybe it would be okay not to hide if he did that.

"N-n-yeah, you're. You're right. I'm s-sorry."

"I can't believe this," Jeremy growled. "You fucking asshole! So that was why you didn't want to talk about Christine! It was- it was because you were fucking  _jealous_ and  _happy_ we broke up and you didn't want to  _fucking_ admit it!"

Michael was already sobbing, holding his trembling body as he slumped even farther into the ground, wishing he could just disappear into it so that Jeremy didn't have to look at him.

"I'm sorry I'm so sorry Jeremy you're  _right_ I'm such a fucking asshole for doing that I just wish you loved me, you know? But that doesn't fucking excuse this, and I'm so sorry! I'm- so- sorry!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope my portrayal of anxiety and teen angst is accurate i'm an anxious mess but i still don't think i'm that good at writing stuff like this oof


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh fsdj sorry i would have gotten this chapter out sooner but ya girl has school and didn't know how to start this hhh  
> if you want to bother me about the next chapter and look at my weird art you can follow me on instagram by the same name @fricklefracklefloof i'm much more active there

Jeremy fucked up. He fucked up real bad.

Or did he?

He didn't really know, but right now, standing alone in a crowded cafeteria without his best friend to sit with, Jeremy definitely felt like he fucked up.

Jeremy's horrible Friday night had finally ended after he confronted Michael, the crying boy rushing out of his house when he couldn't say anything more. They hadn't spoken all weekend, and now it was Monday, and Jeremy felt horrible.

He'd been at war with himself for the past few days. One one hand, he was angry at him for having such cruel thoughts when he thought that Michael would be a kind and supportive friend. On the other hand, he felt like shit for saying those things to his best friend. They'd already broken up this friendship once. It didn't need to happen again.

People were beginning to stare at this poor, anxiety-ridden junior who was freaking out about not having a place to sit down, so Jeremy had to find someone to sit with fast. Or else... or else he'd freak out more. He didn't know. Whatever it was, it would be bad.

He began to walk in a random direction as if he'd found a place to sit, when really he was trying to scan the cafeteria to find people he'd be okay with sitting with.

His eyes fell on a fairly large group sitting and laughing at a table he'd never even thought of sitting at a few months ago. But now? The people sitting there were a bit nicer, a bit more empathetic after the whole squip incident. Maybe he'd be tolerated.

He started to head in their direction, studying their table. Everyone seemed to get along pretty well, but there was a noticeable division between some of them. Rich, Jake, and Dustin were sitting on one side of the table while Brooke, Madeline, and Jenna sat a few feet away from them, deep in conversation.

As he neared even closer, Jeremy noticed a girl conversing with the boys. Chloe.

Oh, god, Chloe.

His heart began to race. Nevermind scary people there ABORT ABORT.

What was he thinking? Jeremy couldn't sit there! Not after... after...

He shuddered, not wanting to bring up such disturbing memories. Halloween was a subject everyone tried to avoid, Jeremy included.

No wonder there was a division. Nobody was really arguing, but Brooke, Jenna, and Madeline seemed to want to pretend that Chloe didn't even exist. For the first time ever, Jeremy seemed to... understand how they felt about each other. Whatever "girl war" that was going on between them wasn't as pointless as he thought - there were real problems. Brooke and Chloe might have seemed to make up after what had happened at Halloween, but it was obvious things weren't the same anymore.

_Kind of like with me and Michael._

No, that wasn't true! He and Michael were friends now! Everything is normal and the same now, right?

He glanced at the empty table where he and Michael were supposed to sit.

Maybe he just wanted to believe that.

_You'll... You'll figure out that later. Right now, find a place to sit._

Brooke was kind of looking at him strangely for staring so closely at their table, and Jeremy looked away, his face burning with shame. Come on. Who else could he sit with?

He noticed Christine sitting at another crowded table on the other side of the cafeteria. She was deep in conversation with a bunch of the other theatre kids, her musical laugh echoing throughout the room. The cafeteria may be the loudest place in the school, but her powerful voice could still be heard even amongst hundreds of other conversing kids. Jeremy's heart ached just looking at her. She was still so beautiful.

But he couldn't sit with her, not right after they had broken up. You know, maybe he could eat at the library or...

"JEREMY! COME SIT WITH US!"

He froze. Oh god, she was looking at him.  _Smiling_ at him. He couldn't leave now, not when she had seen him.

His mind was screaming  _fUCK NO GO BACK_ but Jeremy could already feel himself walking towards her, shaking with fear. That must have looked very weird.

"Uh.. hi, Christine."

A couple of the theatre kids looked at him strangely, but went straight back to their conversation about Jane and not talking loud enough for the audience to hear her once Christine invited him to sit next to her. He did not expect this kind of kindness from _Christine_ , of all people. Didn't they just break up?

She must have read his mind. "Why are you looking at me like that? We're still friends, Jeremy," she giggled.

Jeremy smiled nervously. "R-right, sorry."

\---

As much as he loved Christine, Jeremy was getting progressively more uncomfortable around her. Somehow she'd let him sit with her at lunch all week, though he was still horribly afraid of her. Listening to her talk about all kinds of random theatre things was entertaining, though.

Except when the conversation was about him.

She hadn't asked him about Michael - not yet, at least, but he knew the topic was going to come up soon. Christine could probably only pretend to like him for so long. Soon she'd ask why he wasn't hanging out with his best friend instead, and Jeremy would have to explain, no matter how terrified he felt. Even mere thoughts about his friend gave him this weird achy feeling in his chest that he hated. 

_Stop fucking_ longing  _for him. He did something horrible. So why do you still feel like you need to be around him 24/7 now?_

Jeremy knew why. He had abandoned his friend once, and that was quite possibly one of the most traumatizing experiences in his life. Michael was also familiar, and provided comfort. He  _knew_ him. 

Jeremy wished he could have that same familiarity around Christine, and he did, once, during that happy, glowing period when they were dating, but now he just couldn't get over the fact that he just didn't  _deserve_ to be around her. She was obviously way out of his league, even friendship-wise. He knew she didn't know she didn't want to hang out with someone weird and gross like him.

Whatever hatred she had towards him, though, she didn't show it. She was a great actor. Always asking how he was doing, talking about her day, giving wide smiles that made Jeremy simultaneously want to melt with happiness and run away, etc. 

And finally, one day, Christine brought up the dreaded Michael topic.

She brought it up quite subtly, actually. She started the conversation with, "How was your day?", and Jeremy replied with the same old, "Okay, I guess," and then she asked, "How's Michael?"

He stiffened, his heart clenching. Jesus. Why did this hurt so much? Why did she have to bring that up?

"Jeremy?"

"Uh... also okay."

"That's good. I hope you don't mind if I ask, but I'm really curious: why haven't you been hanging out with him lately?"

Oh, he did mind. A lot. But he couldn't just not answer. "He's just, uh, busy, I guess."

"Did you get in a fight?"

Jeremy's stomach dropped. "N-no! Why would you think that? We're perfectly fine now!"

Her eyes twinkled with amusement, but Christine's voice was full of sympathy. "You are literally stiff as a board right now, Jeremy. I can practically hear your heart racing. Actors have to study people's actions. You got into a fight, didn't you? Do you want to talk about it?"

And before he could stop himself, Jeremy's insecurities just came pouring out. He wanted to run, to hide it away once more, but he couldn't seem to hold it in any longer. Christine listened with an admirable sympathetic silence that just made everything seem so much easier. He suddenly felt like he could tell her anything.

"...And, I just, I haven't been talking to him since."

Christine nodded. "It sounds like you miss him."

"I don't- I don't miss him. He did a horrible thing. I can't be around him anymore."

"Jeremy," Christine sighed, almost patronizingly. "He didn't  _do_ anything. It was just a thought. Thoughts don't define you; actions do."

"I know, but... it was such a horrible thought. I can't believe he'd think something like that." 

"Did Michael show any remorse?"

Jeremy nodded slowly, remembering vividly how his friend had felt. Various images flickered across his vision. Michael, sobbing, sinking to the ground. Michael, not wanting to look at him. The word "sorry" ringing throughout his head. Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god.

"I think you should talk to him."

Jeremy took a sharp breath. "B-but I don't even know where he is! He hides from me even in class!"

Christine smiled. "I think you'll know where to find him if you try."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catchy weeb music and vocaloid really motivates me to write this thing  
> AAAIIIIIISHITE AIIIIIIISHITE MOOOOOOTTO MOOOOOTTO


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hNGG AAA A AA A AA I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO LATELY I HAVE PLAY REHEARSAL UNTIL LIKE EIGHT AT NIGHT EVERY DAY AND IT'S WORTH IT BUT I HAVE LIKE NO TIME I'M USED TO NOT HAVING A LIFE  
> anyway uh here's a chapter i hope you like it. i'll have more time soon once the show's over i gotta week or twogb until i'm back to not having a life can't wait for that

Michael was in the library. He nearly always was there lately.

Every day after the bell rang for breaks and lunch, Michael would make a run for the library, making sure he got there in time before a massive crowd of students began to swarm the school. He went there because he knew Jeremy wouldn't find him there.

It was kind of a stupid hiding place, especially since there was a chance he still might run into him in the hallways, but Jeremy didn't really go in the library much, and he definitely wouldn't suspect that Michael would be there. It was boring. You couldn't even eat in there. Michael decided that he'd rather skip lunch than run into him. He didn't go to the bathroom either, at least during school hours. 

He knew going out of his way to avoid an awkward conversation with Jeremy was dumb, and he couldn't keep doing this for long, but a tiny part of Michael hoped that Jeremy would find him and they'd make it up.

Which was exactly what happened today.

Michael was already on high alert when Jeremy walked in. He wasn't in complete sight, but ducked behind a bookshelf when he realized that he was there. Time for a really dumb, anxiety-fueled game of hide-and-seek.

It was obvious Jeremy was looking for something, and Michael immediately felt a twinge of guilt when he saw his friend glancing around longingly, almost like a lost puppy. He knew how scared his friend got sometimes when he was alone. They were both kind of clingy friends, Michael especially.

Michael watched as his friend finally mustered up the courage to ask if someone had seen him, and he stiffened, hoping nobody had noticed him when he was sitting quietly on his phone in the corner.

"I thought he was over there..." someone whispered. "He must have left. Sorry."

Jeremy nodded. "It's okay. Thanks." His friend began to leave the library, dejected. Michael's heart was practically calling out for him.  _Come back!_ he pleaded silently.  _Keep looking!_ He didn't even know why he was like this. Didn't he want to hide?

Guess not.

He suddenly felt himself moving from out of his hiding spot, almost against his will. His heart was practically leaping out of his chest, but he knew that if he let Jeremy leave like this he'd severely regret it. Before he could properly stop himself, he was right behind his friend and tapping him on the shoulder.

Jeremy practically shrieked when he felt the sudden sensation, already on edge from having to ask for help from someone. Several people gave him judgy "we're in the library" looks, and Michael watched him shrink slightly in shame. "S-sorry," he mumbled, looking like he wanted to sink into the ground and never come out again. What a mood.

Michael smiled, trying not to let his nervousness show. "Hi. Heard you were looking for me?"

"...Yeah," his friend whispered, his eyes whipping around in various directions. He made eye contact with Michael a couple times, but only for a few seconds, like he was a bit afraid to look at him. "Can we, uh... go s-somewhere else? To talk? I don't think people want me in here."

He nodded, looking at Jeremy sympathetically. "Yeah, of course."

 ~*~*~*~

Not really knowing where else to go, and neither of them feeling brave enough to face the overwhelmingness that was the cafeteria, where most students ate lunch, the pair just kind of sat outside the library. Not the most ideal place, but they were alone for the most part, and out of the library.

Michael mentally prepared himself for what was about to come. 

"Look, I'm... really sorry," Jeremy croaked, once they had sat down in awkward silence, their bodies leaning against the building. "For last week. For yelling at you. That was really harsh. I know you didn't mean anything like... m-mean spirited or something." Michael felt a pang of guilt when he noticed Jeremy shaking, his voice breaking slightly. He hadn't even done anything wrong. Michael was the one who caused all of this. It really was pretty mean-spirited. He'd spent countless hours thinking up various different scenarios where Jeremy would break up with Christine and everything would be better again, and Michael could hang out with him more and even convince Jeremy to date _him_. It was all really dumb and unrealistic, but it gave him some sort of disgusting comfort on the days where even _looking_ at Jeremy made Michael feel like the definition of puppy love, and the only cure to feeling so helplessly in love was to get with his friend. Looking back on it now just made him sick to his stomach. He hadn't even comprehended how much that might have hurt Jeremy.

And now his friend was probably feeling even worse. He was acting like he had done something terrible, when really it was Michael who did the worst thing.

"No, you're fine. It was... I probably deserved it. I'm sorry."

Jeremy looked at him with wide eyes. "No. N-no you didn't. You didn't mean it, Michael. I know you didn't. I practically  _forced_ you to spit it out. I made you uncomfortable. T-thoughts don't even define you, anyway. They're just thoughts."

Michael snorted. "That was the most profound fucking thing I've ever heard you say. Did you steal that from someone?"

His friend reddened. "I-I asked Christine for advice?"

"You asked  _Christine_ for advice?" Michael suddenly felt jealous all over again. Why was he hanging out with her? Didn't they break up?

"Well, yeah. I... didn't really have anyone to sit with at lunch and she wanted to stay close friends so, uh..."

 _Of course._ Now that he thought about it, that actually sounded like a very Christine thing to do. Awkwardness wasn't in her vocabulary, and he knew that they hadn't really broken up on a bad note. It wasn't like her to be mad at him like that, no matter how much Jeremy might blame himself for supposedly not being a good boyfriend. He actually felt a lot better that they were still friends. He didn't know how Jeremy would forgive himself if they weren't.

"Wait, you didn't have anyone to sit with at lunch? God, I'm sorry. I forgot how much that freaked you out," Michael apologized, feeling like the worst person in the world. They should have made up a lot sooner. Why did he have to wait a whole  _week?_

"It's-it's alright. I was fine."

Michael felt like he wanted to lighten the mood a bit more, get all this apologizing shit out of the way and move on with their lives. "Well, now you know how it feels to feel literally ignored by your friend."

He instantly regretted that quip once he saw the crushed expression on his friend's face. "I'm sorry," Jeremy mumbled, looking at his feet. God, why did he have to say  _that_ of all things? The whole abandoning thing was way past them. They'd made up. They'd spent hours talking it out. It was over. Both sides were forgiven. Right?

"You don't have to be. I know you don't like me making jokes about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say. It was stupid of me."

"S'fine. I'm just too sensitive about all that."

The bell signaling the end of lunch break suddenly rang, startling both emotional teenagers, and Michael groaned. They could talk about this later. He got to his feet, helping his still shaking friend up. "Want to come over for dinner tonight? My moms are making your favorite, I think. Those fried plantains that you like."

Jeremy lit up like a child receiving a present on Christmas. "You mean those... those banana-looking things?" he breathed.

"Yes, 'those banana-looking things'. Whatever your white ass wants to call them. Come on, we're gonna be late."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i never thought i'd project onto characters this much like i literally just give them a bunch of my insecurities what the fuck (next chapter's going to have even MORE projecting get ready bois)  
> also i kinda want to make some art for this? maybe? i might not have much motivation to do it but you know that might change. again we'll see


End file.
